Story 1: The Atheist Bible
Prologue
Love Your enemies,
do good to them, and
lend to them without
expecting to get
anything back.
Luke 6:35a
The Atheist Bible
Of course Atheists have a bible. What ism doesn’t have one in some form or another. It is not unlike most other bibles of the world’s religions; it contains stories with lessons that try to teach the right path for a good life. The difference is that we know each story in the book is nothing but a bunch of B.S; nothing but a book full of the best stories with the most elaborate creatures and creations with absolutely no attachment to real history or future at all. Every story is adopted after being read and agreed upon by the most devout atheists (who don’t exist, and who we put absolutely no stock in at all) who meet in a room, that more than likely doesn’t exist, and decide right along with every other atheist on the planet that this should go into the bible. Naturally, not every atheist sees these stories, some don’t even know about the bible itself, but that doesn’t bother the rest of us. We’re pretty sure that they would understand the idea, love it, and then automatically reject it as fact just as all the rest of us did. Most of us do know about it though.
After the Armageddon that was agreed upon by all other religions of the world in the year 2222 AD, each one got very organized for their “rise into heaven”. One after the other talked to each other and decided (through some real crap logic) that the Christian date 2-2-2222 would be the definitive Armageddon because of a bunch of mathematics calculations that made any combination of the numbers in any way bad. They took this so seriously that each religion gathered to separate parts of the world, put up separate walls and symbols all around each spot and left the Confederate Colonies of Canada completely deserted. They were once of course the United States of America, but we all know how that fell apart. Anyway, we had no other place to go so we gathered in what was left of the once great Washington N.D.C. (Now the Domain of Canada). That is where most of us have remained for the last three generations. So we do pretty much all get a chance to agree on the stories. By the way, if anyone hadn’t noticed, the prediction was incorrect - bet they feel stupid now.
The first story of our bible has remained the same since the days of the United States of America. It is the story of the Atheist god and how he came to rule over all things. It is one of the only stories that hasn’t been changed, or revoked from the bible since its existence because of the great oxymoron and humility that it created. Those other religions (who have no idea what we think) believe that this is what we truly believe. Of course it isn’t. Like the rest of the book it is just something that someone wrote down on a piece of paper one day. We just happen to enjoy it and its effects more than any other piece of literature that we have come across.
In the beginning there was nothing. Actually there was plenty, but it was very dark so no one could see any of it and it was just like there was nothing for any who looked. But inside the dark there were things that knew there were other things there because they kept bumping into each other. These were the human gods. They were much like human beings (which did not exist then) in that they could make mistakes and they were fairly lazy (they had been bumping into each other for a very long time), but they were different in that they were immortal and all-powerful. After so long a time bumping into each other in the dark, one of them had the bright idea to create light. And so one human god said (after bumping into another one) “away, give me some light.” And there was light. And the other human gods looked upon it and didn’t know what to think. So was born the first day. Well, not really because there were lots of days before it but no sun. So was born the first morn. Not exactly, the sun just sort of appeared at high noon. So was born the first high noon. The human gods remained happy for several hours. But about eight hours after they had created high noon they decided that the light just wasn’t as much fun as the dark had been. So another human god said “make it dark.” And so to anyone watching (who was no one) there was nothing again. After about ten hours of fun in the dark another human god got together with a bunch more and they decided that they liked both the light and the dark, but not as suddenly as it had come and gone on the previous day. So they said “make it light, but not so suddenly.” So was born the first morning. Well not really because morning is sort a measure of time, but at least the first sun rise.
When once again everyone was sick of the light the human gods said “Take away the light, but slowly.” And so was born the first sun set. And then there was nothing again. After a very short time one human god wanted to be able to see again but not with so much light as was the sun, so he said “I want much softer light to be able to see in the dark.” And so appeared the moon. After the sun rose once again no one could see the moon. When the sun set there it was again, but one human god didn’t like how bright it was and so that one said “Hey, not so bright.” After that a different human god thought that is was too bright each night and the brightness was reduced each night for the next thirteen days until the moon didn’t shine anymore at all. That night the human gods all bumped into each other and decided that even though there was no moon that there should be some light. So they put a whole bunch of tiny lights in the sky. The next night another one of the human gods decided he liked a little bit of light and put just a little of the moon’s light back. After that the moon’s brightness was increased again for nearly thirteen days until the human god who had caused the moon wanted it back at full power and said so, and there it was again. All the other human gods complained on different levels about how much light they wanted (they had forgotten about the stars and so there they stayed doing whatever they wanted) and finally agreed to cycle the brightness as it had done the last twenty seven days so that everyone would be happy for at least one day. So became the first cycle of the moon and the stars in the sky. Now that each human god was unhappy most of the time they began to think of ways to make the happy ones unhappy. One human god said “Let there be things that scare everyone that is happy today.” And so the first spiders walked the earth. Then one who was happy and was obviously scared by the spiders said “Let there be things that scare anyone who is happy tomorrow.” This continued throughout the day and the night until those who were happy on the last day said “let there be a whole bunch of little things that bug everyone and some sort of beverage to help us forget all our problems but make us feel terrible afterword. So insects and alcohol were born just before sunrise that day.
After that the rivalries became more intense with each human god cursing the others with something else. Then each human god would retaliate either by making something positive about the bad thing or making something else bad for someone else. In the end they created mountains, water, and the two things that would change them all completely. One human god one day said to those happy for the next thirteen days “I curse you to lose your proud middle.” And so they did. Then those accursed human gods all got together and gave themselves something while cursing the rest who weren’t like them. “We curse you to be indescribably attracted to our chests, and not to be able to have us all the time, especially when you really want us because we won’t want you back.” So Testosterone, breasts, women, and sex were all created. After this the human gods with the proud middle all got together and said “We will remain happier on our bad days than you will.” Then one other, not really thinking, exclaimed “Yeah, and from now no one will be able to live forever or have any magic power!” And so it was that the human race was born.
Epilogue
Yup, that’s the first story of the Atheist Bible. We all enjoy it.
Love Your enemies,
do good to them, and
lend to them without
expecting to get
anything back.
Luke 6:35a
The Atheist Bible
Of course Atheists have a bible. What ism doesn’t have one in some form or another. It is not unlike most other bibles of the world’s religions; it contains stories with lessons that try to teach the right path for a good life. The difference is that we know each story in the book is nothing but a bunch of B.S; nothing but a book full of the best stories with the most elaborate creatures and creations with absolutely no attachment to real history or future at all. Every story is adopted after being read and agreed upon by the most devout atheists (who don’t exist, and who we put absolutely no stock in at all) who meet in a room, that more than likely doesn’t exist, and decide right along with every other atheist on the planet that this should go into the bible. Naturally, not every atheist sees these stories, some don’t even know about the bible itself, but that doesn’t bother the rest of us. We’re pretty sure that they would understand the idea, love it, and then automatically reject it as fact just as all the rest of us did. Most of us do know about it though.
After the Armageddon that was agreed upon by all other religions of the world in the year 2222 AD, each one got very organized for their “rise into heaven”. One after the other talked to each other and decided (through some real crap logic) that the Christian date 2-2-2222 would be the definitive Armageddon because of a bunch of mathematics calculations that made any combination of the numbers in any way bad. They took this so seriously that each religion gathered to separate parts of the world, put up separate walls and symbols all around each spot and left the Confederate Colonies of Canada completely deserted. They were once of course the United States of America, but we all know how that fell apart. Anyway, we had no other place to go so we gathered in what was left of the once great Washington N.D.C. (Now the Domain of Canada). That is where most of us have remained for the last three generations. So we do pretty much all get a chance to agree on the stories. By the way, if anyone hadn’t noticed, the prediction was incorrect - bet they feel stupid now.
The first story of our bible has remained the same since the days of the United States of America. It is the story of the Atheist god and how he came to rule over all things. It is one of the only stories that hasn’t been changed, or revoked from the bible since its existence because of the great oxymoron and humility that it created. Those other religions (who have no idea what we think) believe that this is what we truly believe. Of course it isn’t. Like the rest of the book it is just something that someone wrote down on a piece of paper one day. We just happen to enjoy it and its effects more than any other piece of literature that we have come across.
In the beginning there was nothing. Actually there was plenty, but it was very dark so no one could see any of it and it was just like there was nothing for any who looked. But inside the dark there were things that knew there were other things there because they kept bumping into each other. These were the human gods. They were much like human beings (which did not exist then) in that they could make mistakes and they were fairly lazy (they had been bumping into each other for a very long time), but they were different in that they were immortal and all-powerful. After so long a time bumping into each other in the dark, one of them had the bright idea to create light. And so one human god said (after bumping into another one) “away, give me some light.” And there was light. And the other human gods looked upon it and didn’t know what to think. So was born the first day. Well, not really because there were lots of days before it but no sun. So was born the first morn. Not exactly, the sun just sort of appeared at high noon. So was born the first high noon. The human gods remained happy for several hours. But about eight hours after they had created high noon they decided that the light just wasn’t as much fun as the dark had been. So another human god said “make it dark.” And so to anyone watching (who was no one) there was nothing again. After about ten hours of fun in the dark another human god got together with a bunch more and they decided that they liked both the light and the dark, but not as suddenly as it had come and gone on the previous day. So they said “make it light, but not so suddenly.” So was born the first morning. Well not really because morning is sort a measure of time, but at least the first sun rise.
When once again everyone was sick of the light the human gods said “Take away the light, but slowly.” And so was born the first sun set. And then there was nothing again. After a very short time one human god wanted to be able to see again but not with so much light as was the sun, so he said “I want much softer light to be able to see in the dark.” And so appeared the moon. After the sun rose once again no one could see the moon. When the sun set there it was again, but one human god didn’t like how bright it was and so that one said “Hey, not so bright.” After that a different human god thought that is was too bright each night and the brightness was reduced each night for the next thirteen days until the moon didn’t shine anymore at all. That night the human gods all bumped into each other and decided that even though there was no moon that there should be some light. So they put a whole bunch of tiny lights in the sky. The next night another one of the human gods decided he liked a little bit of light and put just a little of the moon’s light back. After that the moon’s brightness was increased again for nearly thirteen days until the human god who had caused the moon wanted it back at full power and said so, and there it was again. All the other human gods complained on different levels about how much light they wanted (they had forgotten about the stars and so there they stayed doing whatever they wanted) and finally agreed to cycle the brightness as it had done the last twenty seven days so that everyone would be happy for at least one day. So became the first cycle of the moon and the stars in the sky. Now that each human god was unhappy most of the time they began to think of ways to make the happy ones unhappy. One human god said “Let there be things that scare everyone that is happy today.” And so the first spiders walked the earth. Then one who was happy and was obviously scared by the spiders said “Let there be things that scare anyone who is happy tomorrow.” This continued throughout the day and the night until those who were happy on the last day said “let there be a whole bunch of little things that bug everyone and some sort of beverage to help us forget all our problems but make us feel terrible afterword. So insects and alcohol were born just before sunrise that day.
After that the rivalries became more intense with each human god cursing the others with something else. Then each human god would retaliate either by making something positive about the bad thing or making something else bad for someone else. In the end they created mountains, water, and the two things that would change them all completely. One human god one day said to those happy for the next thirteen days “I curse you to lose your proud middle.” And so they did. Then those accursed human gods all got together and gave themselves something while cursing the rest who weren’t like them. “We curse you to be indescribably attracted to our chests, and not to be able to have us all the time, especially when you really want us because we won’t want you back.” So Testosterone, breasts, women, and sex were all created. After this the human gods with the proud middle all got together and said “We will remain happier on our bad days than you will.” Then one other, not really thinking, exclaimed “Yeah, and from now no one will be able to live forever or have any magic power!” And so it was that the human race was born.
Epilogue
Yup, that’s the first story of the Atheist Bible. We all enjoy it.
posted by David Fuchs (Greg Goble) @ 9:35 PM
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