Story 5: Lonely Party
Prologue
Colors swirling through sound and touch.
Here a scream of yellow
There the caress of blue
To the left the hum of green
To the right the smack of red
Above you the crackle of orange
Below you the light kiss of indigo
Each attempting to separate from the others,
Together forming the most amazing of lives.
Too close, and they create blinding white light.
Too far apart and there is a cloaking black
But find a happy medium
And they come together just rite to form a rainbow,
The most wondrous of all sounds and touches.
Lonely Party
The lights, the sounds, the intricacies and the psychology of it all. There is a grand excitement that almost makes it all seem worth while. But not quite. Those lights were something that I had looked forward to way too often. Finally, tonight, I made it there, I reached the lights. They flashed with bright chaotic contentment. Each color and wave of light spilled onto the others, collided, and sprayed the room full of its luminescent behavior. Like some unknown creature crying into the night, the glow was littered throughout the room; but it never died or faded, I merely shut it out. I closed the door that would have kept it within me. Of course, when I closed that door, I locked some of it in. The light, however, is only one aspect of what I was here for; the sound was another. It was everywhere, and it came from everywhere. It wasn’t quite as random as the bouncing light, but its collisions, and impacts made it far more dangerous. The sounds mixed to form one harmony that created an essence that kaleidoscope around, in, and through everything. Despite all that it wasn’t the light, it wasn’t the sound, and it wasn’t the combination of the two that turned the fun into a party. It was more the mentality of the people there. It was the fun that the people created that made the light and sound worth while.
I cannot vouch that the variety of personalities and characteristics added fun to the event, but the diversity of the present population certainly stimulated a frenzy of activity. Humans (or humanoids depending on your political views) from every walk of life, with every mannerism imaginable invaded and left. Sometimes with an orderly quietness and at other times in a random skittish style that embodied psychosis. One young lady jumped from group to group in an almost hostess slash waitress role; greeting everyone and at times delivering them drinks. No matter what events passed, a smile always lay across her face. And with as much as she had done she never lacked in energy, with a perky disposition that disguised any and every loathing entity of thought. How she kept up the charade is a mystery to me. Perhaps it was not a mask. The sparkle in her eyes and the hinted smile upon her face was like the beautiful of songs. She works so hard and got nothing in return. Perhaps what is more horrid to my mind is that someone will take advantage of that sweet innocence and attempt to transform it into their own sick pleasure trove. But such is life, and such will life be forever, and as such life will remain, even after tonight. I wanted to have fun tonight, I even made a sad attempt at it.
It wasn’t sad in a “didn’t make an attempt” sort of way; it only seemed as though it was sad in that sort of way. Truly it was sad in a “I found it is lonely at the top” sort of way. But the question of loneliness is perhaps not such a question, but more a statement of over-caring of outside opinion. It was (and is) a misconception of needing other people to feel whole. Needing people is merely an aversion to willpower. Similarly, the need and use of willpower is nothing more than an aversion to socialism. This social digression is the essence of loneliness in its purest, most uncorrupted form. That is to say that I am alone in this place I have found, but not to say that I want others around. For I can be alone with my will and never need or want anyone or anything. The question then truly becomes whether or not willpower can permanently substitute for people in a world where socialization seems to have overcome human prestige and personality.
Yes, I said hi to the beautiful woman and yes I had planned on having a few drinks and getting “goofy”, but the idea just didn’t... pan out. The room was set up in an oval with the obvious advantage of being able to host skating parties and other such events. Tables lay at one end, while a bar, and a dance floor submitted the self-prescribed “entertainment” at the other end. People were everywhere here. Some sat talking to loved ones; some lovers sat and did not talk. The speechless ones were the most interesting to watch. One couple sat staring deeply into each others eyes. Their looks were glossed with love, contentment, and contemplation. Perhaps they were pondering their future together or maybe they were caught in the moment and were thinking of nothing. Off in a dark corner another couple sat silently. But their silence was for a much different reason. Their lips were locked and they drank each other in just as sensually as those longing looks that remained across the room. On the dance floor the people had fun bouncing to the music, jumping around, making any attempt to keep up with the constantly changing tempo. Some accomplished this very well, other... well, others couldn’t have looked natural in “Sole Train for Senior Citizens”. The only word for those at the bar was stooper, that’s the only thing that I can think of that fits. Perhaps the term is too broad for just one group at such a party, but it is also the only one that I could think of. And there she was. Bouncing around in the hectic haze like the loveliest of angels, making everything clear. She was beauty and kindness personified, that is why I was so attracted to her. She seemed to have a mind of her own. A mind that could except everyone and their faults, and reject anyone without giving heed to their flaws. She hid her fears and accentuated her mystique. So I gathered up my courage, let my mind drift into the only thing that could give me release, and I walked up to her and said, “Look. ‘An angel; or, if not, an earthly paragon.’” She blushed, but said nothing, and the night was great.
Quickly I realized that no matter how smooth that may have sounded, it probably just wasn’t. I am not very good at talking to people, especially women. So, feeling like an idiot already, I tried to recover by saying simply “Hi.”
With her eyes stilled glossed over with surprise and, perhaps, a hint of flattery, she replied just as simply, “Hello.”
“So, you’ve been busy. I mean... that is.. you’ve been running all over the place. Do you know everybody here, or just almost everybody?” It was meant as a joke but her eyes made it into something far more blunt that I should have realized that I had just said something offensive. But I didn’t, and I giggled about it.
She gave sort of a half smile that I really didn’t take to heart - even though I should have. “Well, I guess I do get around.”
I was obviously paying obviously paying absolutely no attention to the abrupt “drop it” rhetoric with which she had said that, and I merely replied “Boy , I guess.” Now it was unmistakable, the look in her eyes beat me into submission and realization. It knocked me out completely. Made me feel so small, so wrong. And then she let me have it.
“What are you trying to say about me?” The tone in her voice did not warrant or allow for an answer. So she continued. “I might have slept with a couple of the guys around here, but that in no way means that I am the town slut or anything. Does it? Well, does it?!”
By this time I was very upset with the thought that I had made so much effort and gotten nothing back but insults and assumed insulation. And I didn’t need that. Because I don’t need people at all and loneliness can comfort with more strength than anyone else or anything else. I don’t drink because I don’t need it to have a good time. I don’t socialize because my mind is whole by itself. When I am by myself I don’t feel the need to be with someone else just because I don’t feel like an entire person without a companion. I have enough willpower to walk away from anything and feel OK about being me. I don’t have to be part of the crowd.
Being tactless has always been a specialty of mine, and when I look back on this, I think I reached my zenith. I told her, “You know what? I don’t need you, I don’t need your party, and I don’t need your insults.” This was tactless on about seven different levels and it doesn’t even matter what those levels are. It just helps to know that it really was my screw up and that is why I am in this situation now.
I stormed out of the building like a king with more pride than brains, with thoughts of pure and indiscreet isolation roaming freely through my head. I could live like a monk. Allowing everything to be whisked away from my mind each morning. With bliss surrounding me. I could live like a nomad. Letting my bed become my last resting place fro the say. No matter how I did it I knew a lonely night would be better than a great party.
The car started with as much agitation as I was feeling and as I pulled away the anger aimed at me from within the walls of the building that I had just left seemed to follow me in the form of two headlights and a chromium hull. I stared at the glare in my rearview mirror and felt panic begin to settle in and overshadow aggravation. I didn’t allow it to settle though. If I had let such a feeling settle it would have been an aversion to willpower and therefore socialism. Socialism being as it is the need for other people. Having come to this conclusion I trounced the it with willpower. Still, the idea that someone might be after me for my actions was somewhat disconcerting.
So I pushed the accelerator in an effort to keep out of harms way. But the distance never seemed enough, and it seemed to shorten all the time, and as I reached the bridge I began to think. I thought about what I had said and why I had said it. I said it because I drew a conclusion and I stuck with that conclusion. Now, as I am crossing the bridge, trying to stretch the distance and run from socialization it occurs to me that I might be wrong. That perhaps willpower can make you a better person without making you a completely separate person from society. That it is possible to discuss ideas and expand them with more than one mind and that by doing so life can be improved through socialization without digressing from willpower. These ideas are so new and I don’t know it I can possibly live in the world that surrounds me and still feel that I am a part of human prestige and personality. The road is dark ahead of me. There is no end straight ahead. And the faster I run away, the closer I get to a full circle and to meeting what I am escaping. But don’t believe for an instant that there is no way out. I see how all of it can be avoided. And I act. The sudden swerve caused by the sharp turn of the wheel causes the front of my car to collide with the protective barrier and break through it, and I fall. I neglected to realize what the end result to escape would be; the collision, and my death. But it was the only escape.
EPILOGUE
The composium of metal machinery pulled to a halt at the frightening scene with complete surprise. The car that Todd had been following had suddenly turned off the bridge and dropped to a certain doom bellow. He had been trying to catch the guy for quite a while now. But the car he was chasing had just kept going faster. The yellow dashes in front of him had become a blurry line that seemed almost like a guideline that kept the two cars together.. He knew that all he had to do was follow that tether to its end to accomplish something that he had hoped would be very simple. But the bind had snapped in the instant that the man had leapt to his death. Todd got out of his car with the small foldable leather sitting in his hand, and a bewildered squint strained across his eyes. He watched the other cars cruise along on their way to wherever it was the line would lead them. He looked down at the body, looked into the wallet, removed the five dollars, made sure that the license was exposed, and dropped it. He got back into his car and drove off back to the party that he hadn’t even wanted to leave.
Colors swirling through sound and touch.
Here a scream of yellow
There the caress of blue
To the left the hum of green
To the right the smack of red
Above you the crackle of orange
Below you the light kiss of indigo
Each attempting to separate from the others,
Together forming the most amazing of lives.
Too close, and they create blinding white light.
Too far apart and there is a cloaking black
But find a happy medium
And they come together just rite to form a rainbow,
The most wondrous of all sounds and touches.
Lonely Party
The lights, the sounds, the intricacies and the psychology of it all. There is a grand excitement that almost makes it all seem worth while. But not quite. Those lights were something that I had looked forward to way too often. Finally, tonight, I made it there, I reached the lights. They flashed with bright chaotic contentment. Each color and wave of light spilled onto the others, collided, and sprayed the room full of its luminescent behavior. Like some unknown creature crying into the night, the glow was littered throughout the room; but it never died or faded, I merely shut it out. I closed the door that would have kept it within me. Of course, when I closed that door, I locked some of it in. The light, however, is only one aspect of what I was here for; the sound was another. It was everywhere, and it came from everywhere. It wasn’t quite as random as the bouncing light, but its collisions, and impacts made it far more dangerous. The sounds mixed to form one harmony that created an essence that kaleidoscope around, in, and through everything. Despite all that it wasn’t the light, it wasn’t the sound, and it wasn’t the combination of the two that turned the fun into a party. It was more the mentality of the people there. It was the fun that the people created that made the light and sound worth while.
I cannot vouch that the variety of personalities and characteristics added fun to the event, but the diversity of the present population certainly stimulated a frenzy of activity. Humans (or humanoids depending on your political views) from every walk of life, with every mannerism imaginable invaded and left. Sometimes with an orderly quietness and at other times in a random skittish style that embodied psychosis. One young lady jumped from group to group in an almost hostess slash waitress role; greeting everyone and at times delivering them drinks. No matter what events passed, a smile always lay across her face. And with as much as she had done she never lacked in energy, with a perky disposition that disguised any and every loathing entity of thought. How she kept up the charade is a mystery to me. Perhaps it was not a mask. The sparkle in her eyes and the hinted smile upon her face was like the beautiful of songs. She works so hard and got nothing in return. Perhaps what is more horrid to my mind is that someone will take advantage of that sweet innocence and attempt to transform it into their own sick pleasure trove. But such is life, and such will life be forever, and as such life will remain, even after tonight. I wanted to have fun tonight, I even made a sad attempt at it.
It wasn’t sad in a “didn’t make an attempt” sort of way; it only seemed as though it was sad in that sort of way. Truly it was sad in a “I found it is lonely at the top” sort of way. But the question of loneliness is perhaps not such a question, but more a statement of over-caring of outside opinion. It was (and is) a misconception of needing other people to feel whole. Needing people is merely an aversion to willpower. Similarly, the need and use of willpower is nothing more than an aversion to socialism. This social digression is the essence of loneliness in its purest, most uncorrupted form. That is to say that I am alone in this place I have found, but not to say that I want others around. For I can be alone with my will and never need or want anyone or anything. The question then truly becomes whether or not willpower can permanently substitute for people in a world where socialization seems to have overcome human prestige and personality.
Yes, I said hi to the beautiful woman and yes I had planned on having a few drinks and getting “goofy”, but the idea just didn’t... pan out. The room was set up in an oval with the obvious advantage of being able to host skating parties and other such events. Tables lay at one end, while a bar, and a dance floor submitted the self-prescribed “entertainment” at the other end. People were everywhere here. Some sat talking to loved ones; some lovers sat and did not talk. The speechless ones were the most interesting to watch. One couple sat staring deeply into each others eyes. Their looks were glossed with love, contentment, and contemplation. Perhaps they were pondering their future together or maybe they were caught in the moment and were thinking of nothing. Off in a dark corner another couple sat silently. But their silence was for a much different reason. Their lips were locked and they drank each other in just as sensually as those longing looks that remained across the room. On the dance floor the people had fun bouncing to the music, jumping around, making any attempt to keep up with the constantly changing tempo. Some accomplished this very well, other... well, others couldn’t have looked natural in “Sole Train for Senior Citizens”. The only word for those at the bar was stooper, that’s the only thing that I can think of that fits. Perhaps the term is too broad for just one group at such a party, but it is also the only one that I could think of. And there she was. Bouncing around in the hectic haze like the loveliest of angels, making everything clear. She was beauty and kindness personified, that is why I was so attracted to her. She seemed to have a mind of her own. A mind that could except everyone and their faults, and reject anyone without giving heed to their flaws. She hid her fears and accentuated her mystique. So I gathered up my courage, let my mind drift into the only thing that could give me release, and I walked up to her and said, “Look. ‘An angel; or, if not, an earthly paragon.’” She blushed, but said nothing, and the night was great.
Quickly I realized that no matter how smooth that may have sounded, it probably just wasn’t. I am not very good at talking to people, especially women. So, feeling like an idiot already, I tried to recover by saying simply “Hi.”
With her eyes stilled glossed over with surprise and, perhaps, a hint of flattery, she replied just as simply, “Hello.”
“So, you’ve been busy. I mean... that is.. you’ve been running all over the place. Do you know everybody here, or just almost everybody?” It was meant as a joke but her eyes made it into something far more blunt that I should have realized that I had just said something offensive. But I didn’t, and I giggled about it.
She gave sort of a half smile that I really didn’t take to heart - even though I should have. “Well, I guess I do get around.”
I was obviously paying obviously paying absolutely no attention to the abrupt “drop it” rhetoric with which she had said that, and I merely replied “Boy , I guess.” Now it was unmistakable, the look in her eyes beat me into submission and realization. It knocked me out completely. Made me feel so small, so wrong. And then she let me have it.
“What are you trying to say about me?” The tone in her voice did not warrant or allow for an answer. So she continued. “I might have slept with a couple of the guys around here, but that in no way means that I am the town slut or anything. Does it? Well, does it?!”
By this time I was very upset with the thought that I had made so much effort and gotten nothing back but insults and assumed insulation. And I didn’t need that. Because I don’t need people at all and loneliness can comfort with more strength than anyone else or anything else. I don’t drink because I don’t need it to have a good time. I don’t socialize because my mind is whole by itself. When I am by myself I don’t feel the need to be with someone else just because I don’t feel like an entire person without a companion. I have enough willpower to walk away from anything and feel OK about being me. I don’t have to be part of the crowd.
Being tactless has always been a specialty of mine, and when I look back on this, I think I reached my zenith. I told her, “You know what? I don’t need you, I don’t need your party, and I don’t need your insults.” This was tactless on about seven different levels and it doesn’t even matter what those levels are. It just helps to know that it really was my screw up and that is why I am in this situation now.
I stormed out of the building like a king with more pride than brains, with thoughts of pure and indiscreet isolation roaming freely through my head. I could live like a monk. Allowing everything to be whisked away from my mind each morning. With bliss surrounding me. I could live like a nomad. Letting my bed become my last resting place fro the say. No matter how I did it I knew a lonely night would be better than a great party.
The car started with as much agitation as I was feeling and as I pulled away the anger aimed at me from within the walls of the building that I had just left seemed to follow me in the form of two headlights and a chromium hull. I stared at the glare in my rearview mirror and felt panic begin to settle in and overshadow aggravation. I didn’t allow it to settle though. If I had let such a feeling settle it would have been an aversion to willpower and therefore socialism. Socialism being as it is the need for other people. Having come to this conclusion I trounced the it with willpower. Still, the idea that someone might be after me for my actions was somewhat disconcerting.
So I pushed the accelerator in an effort to keep out of harms way. But the distance never seemed enough, and it seemed to shorten all the time, and as I reached the bridge I began to think. I thought about what I had said and why I had said it. I said it because I drew a conclusion and I stuck with that conclusion. Now, as I am crossing the bridge, trying to stretch the distance and run from socialization it occurs to me that I might be wrong. That perhaps willpower can make you a better person without making you a completely separate person from society. That it is possible to discuss ideas and expand them with more than one mind and that by doing so life can be improved through socialization without digressing from willpower. These ideas are so new and I don’t know it I can possibly live in the world that surrounds me and still feel that I am a part of human prestige and personality. The road is dark ahead of me. There is no end straight ahead. And the faster I run away, the closer I get to a full circle and to meeting what I am escaping. But don’t believe for an instant that there is no way out. I see how all of it can be avoided. And I act. The sudden swerve caused by the sharp turn of the wheel causes the front of my car to collide with the protective barrier and break through it, and I fall. I neglected to realize what the end result to escape would be; the collision, and my death. But it was the only escape.
EPILOGUE
The composium of metal machinery pulled to a halt at the frightening scene with complete surprise. The car that Todd had been following had suddenly turned off the bridge and dropped to a certain doom bellow. He had been trying to catch the guy for quite a while now. But the car he was chasing had just kept going faster. The yellow dashes in front of him had become a blurry line that seemed almost like a guideline that kept the two cars together.. He knew that all he had to do was follow that tether to its end to accomplish something that he had hoped would be very simple. But the bind had snapped in the instant that the man had leapt to his death. Todd got out of his car with the small foldable leather sitting in his hand, and a bewildered squint strained across his eyes. He watched the other cars cruise along on their way to wherever it was the line would lead them. He looked down at the body, looked into the wallet, removed the five dollars, made sure that the license was exposed, and dropped it. He got back into his car and drove off back to the party that he hadn’t even wanted to leave.
posted by David Fuchs (Greg Goble) @ 9:46 PM
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