Greg Goble: The Collected Works

The Atheist Bible Chapter 3: Love and All Its Perverted Cousins

Love and All Its Perverted Cousins

Love – pronunciation- luv – part of speech: One of the three original feelings – The inexplicable need and want to unite in any and/or all ways with a particular object. This is love in its most unabused form and simplest context. Through the many years the simplicity has disappeared, replaced with so many unneeded complexities brought about by the unnecessary, unintelligible, ineffable need to speak all too often. This need brought a word that would change everything, especially the simplicity of love; the word was vocabulary. Vocabulary was thought of as one of the great innovations of its time. It gave people the ability to take each small discrepancy in anything and create a new word for that slight derivation of some other word already in use. The ancient need for humans to communicate through speech and the human tendency toward frequent bouts of boredom when faced with words that come together too frequently is the reason humans tend to communicate the same thoughts through different words frequently to avoid that boredom. Thus a want for stimulating conversation is born from the need to stray from monotony.
All love is the same, it is the memory of that love wherein the differential lies. And it is from these memories that the human race has created the perverted cousins of love. The importance of reiterating the similarity of all loves cannot be underestimated. The feeling of love is always the same, in all people, at all times, the variation in definition are created through the overanalyzation of those memories. Perhaps the most famous and most abused of these differentiations is “to love” and “to be in love”. Of course, the variations that come from this concept alone are practically infinite in the ways that they are viewed by each person. Again, truth be told; there is no difference, even between these two, though the popularity of this excuse cannot be underestimated. That is, for one person in the relationship to turn to the other and say. “I still love you; but I’m just not in love with you.” This brings about the perplexing question. Do feelings change?
No feelings do not change, and yes a persons feelings will change all the time. It must be remembered that each of the three original feelings are so complex that a slight hold of any of them is the best one can expect to achieve. Bearing this in mind, personal perception changes constantly with each new small hold and the feeling is gone when the memory of the last hold is given too long to linger without being replaced with a new grasp of love.
There are, of course, several other, less obvious perversions of love that are by many perceived to not be real love. There is lust, there is passion, there is the short term relationship, the sexually based relationship, the one night stand, the spontaneous thrill (or a quickie), the dangerous relationship, the work spawned relationship, and the fling. Each one is a true form of love, yet each is perceived as a perversion of what most believe to be the only true love. But all love, each type, is true love.
Lust is considered by many to be love in its most perverted form, though it is in reality the best example of love in any and all forms. When love becomes so slightly grasped, the attraction in the moment is instant and in many occasions is considered after the fact to be lust. The phrases, “It was just an attraction of lust” or “I was just lusting after him/her” can often be heard uttered in the wake of a terrible break up.
Mary and Peter are sitting in a bar. Peter is a handsome man with charisma, and Mary is a single woman who is more than fairly attractive. Peter has a drink which he has had delivered to Mary via the bartender. Mary looks towards Peter after the bartender informs her of the man who has bought the drink for her. As Peter sees her looking in his direction he gives her a handsome smile and an inviting wave. In that moment love’s tiny grasp begins to take hold in Mary’s mind. Peter’s smile and generosity has triggered this, and just as quickly as she experiences it, it turns into a memory and she holds onto it as she walks over to sit next to Peter and say thank you for the drink. Seeing Mary responding to his gestures, love now takes its infinitely small hold upon Peter for the instant that he sees her walk towards him. An instant later the grasp is gone and Peter retains nothing but the memory and molds it to his liking. Small talk ensues, during which most of what is a “testing of the waters” by both people occurs; each attempting to prompt another grasp of love either to or from the other person. During the conversation another test is occurring. That is; how long will the first memories that contained the hint of love last. Later in the night enough of these two things have occurred that the two decide to spend the night together.
At this point it is a silent agreement and each of them skirt around the subject for the next several minutes. Once Mary is tired of meaningless conversation she tells Peter that she must be going, for it is getting and she must be to work the next morning. Peter offers to walk her out to her car, and once outside at her car, he tells her that she had a wonderful evening and begins to slowly search for the first clue that she does indeed want to spend the night with him. Mary, in return, tells him that she had a great night and looks at him, desperately trying to send the clue that he is searching for. Peter is able to pick up on this and leans forward to kiss Mary. In the moment that they kiss another bite of love is taken and they each saver it and lock away yet another memory. This memory is so nice that they immediately decide to recreate it and kiss again. This is not to say that the grasp they have on love is any different than the first grasp in the bar; it is exactly the same, but the simplicity of reproducing this makes it seem more powerful. This time the kiss is longer in hopes of obtaining a stronger grasp of love. Of course this is an impossibility but the longevity does in fact provide this illusion by catching many small grasps which are instantly turned into memories and each memory piles onto the next and this is what causes such an illusion. When the kiss is broken Peter asks Mary if she wants to follow him home; the memories of love are so fresh in Mary’s mind and have been molded just right that she immediately agrees[1].
The two arrive at Peter’s home and Peter gives Mary a tour of his home. He shows her books and movies that he has and imparts small anecdotes about various pieces of memorabilia which decorate his home. All of this is done simply because the memories from minutes before are not nearly as strong and there is a comfort level which must again be refreshed before Mary can once again grasp love. Peter understands this and allows it because his memories have been molded to verbs that he wishes to continue. This tour inevitably concludes close to or at the bedroom. Peter grabs Mary and does the one thing that has consistently sparked a small grasp of love before and kisses her. Once again the many small grasps are caught many times over and the memory of why the two came back together is once again clear. A night of sex follows.
Similar to the experience of kissing, sex allows for the small hint of love to be caught over and again. But in sex the memories are held even stronger and molded with more discipline. True to her word Mary leaves for work the following morning and during the remainder of the day at work, her mind molds and remolds each memory creating what she wishes to remember and making it into her reality. Upon arriving home from work Mary has decided that her memories of love are strong enough that she wants to see Peter again and so, acting on this, she calls him. They converse for some time and in the end they decide to go out to dinner. Peter and Mary now begin a relationship in which they do many things to gain those small hints of love in order to cherish them as memories and to be able to have the want to create more memories together.
Three weeks later the memories seem to have faded and a new slight grasp of love is difficult in coming. At this point the relationship is driven on both sides by its own memory and the inevitable conclusion is that the relationship ends[2]. About this time Peter calls up Mary and eventually the conversation turns to their recent lack of a relationship. This discussion becomes heated as both Mary and Peter bring up those things that have most recently made them angry at each other. And this leads to a shouting match, which, in the end, leads to a break up. Later, when both Mary and Peter speak about the relationship it is passed off as a relationship of passion and not real love, both of them truly believe that this is indeed what happened. They are wrong.
So what has really happened? The relationship did not progress because either one of the other or both people stopped obtaining the infinitely small grasps of love and so there were no more memories to mold. This caused the last memories to be molded and reshaped so much that it began to fall apart and deteriorate, when this happened the unconscious response was to find yet another memory to hold on to, and when all those memories had become unrecognizable, and new love had still not been taken hold of, the relationship could no longer move forward. “ ‘All you need is love.’ John Lennon, smart man, shot in the back, very sad.” Unfortunately when love all you need, then you really need it. The use of the word lust in this case comes from the idea that the people in the relationship obtain: that because some of the first grasps of love included sex, then it must not have been real love and so an alternate word must be found so that neither has to admit that they felt love. But this is expected, since the nature of love itself is to remain as unrecognizable as possible. Those who do realize that it is love each time can usually be found in the nut house, where anyone with a different view on life is usually put.
With slight variation, this same scenario can be applied to the idea of passion. The difference simply lies in the people in the relationship and what they consider to be the differences between lust and passion; many times they are considered to be interchangeable and are used as such. Because of the relatively short period of time that it takes for these types of relationships to “run their course” another term is usually added to such experiences. That is the short term relationship. This term is used to stretch itself over much broader territory, its expanse is like an ocean that, when out in the middle, seems pure and vast and strong, but when on its shore, at its end, is nothing but crash after crash of excuses about how it happened, why it did not work, and where it all went wrong. And in the end it is just the memories that were never replaced and faded into nothing.
Running into the category of short term relationships, but a little separated because of the importance and value that people have put on it, is the sexually based relationship. This definition of a certain relationship is famously used to deny love. Often the phrase “We only stay together because the sex is so good.” is said by many men and women, and usually following it, “We’re not in love though.” As with all other times this is partially true and partially a blatant lie. Within the context of love they do love each other, and this is accomplished through the act of sex more often than through anything else. This means that through the duration of the relationship the most remarkable and lasting memories of love come from the time that the two have been having intercourse. As with most other “perversions” of love this does not fit the classic definition of love, but that definition has now been changed to fit properly. Instead of saying that sex is an expression of love, it should be better said that sex is a distributor of love. Though it should be noted that sex is not limited to love in its exports and love is not caused by sex alone. Under the right conditions love can be caused by anything and under many circumstances sex can widely distribute many other things ie: diseases, herpes, royalty (though this usually also requires incest), bad eye sight, low waist lines, obsessive compulsive disorders, and on rare occasions, Latino singing stardom (this is best illustrated by Julio and Enrique). Sex is merely another way to catch a small grasp of love. Mary and Peter’s relationship could have become one based in sex. This would require that each memory of love that was made occur because of some sort of sexual activity. During the relationship and especially during the sex itself, such relations would be categorized as love in the memories of the participants. However eventually when the break does occur and love refuses to admit itself takes its hold, it then becomes very easy to say that the relationship ended because “There was nothing but sex and I needed more than that.” or “It wasn’t real love, it was just sex.”
All of these relationships are very stereotypically short term, meaning there is little to no chance of a lifetime relationship occurring. There is of course an exception to every rule and so the idea of a long term relationship budding from any of the above circumstances should not be ruled out completely. The idea of love in a short term relationship not being real or true is a falsity. The love is very real for the moment that it occurs, it is merely people’s ability to pervert their own memories which causes them to fail. If a person could remember as closely as they think they can, relationships could not end because the conjuring of memories past would capture a hint of love once again and everything would be fine. So how does a long term relationship survive?
To truly answer such a question two other things must be very clearly understood. The first is the single acts that can be categorized as a relationship all in themselves. This gives a better understanding of love’s existence as a singular phenomenon. And the second is an understanding of the only real perversion of love[3]. Through the understanding of these two things, a conclusion about what will constitute a long term relationship can be understood much easier.
Singular acts which are so often categorized as relationships in and of themselves are unique for precisely this reason. The most wonderful example of a singular act as a relationship in and of itself is the one night stand. All the elements of the relationship are neatly packaged into a few short hours of introduction, fascination, love, and the ending of it. Peter and Mary could have had a night stand relationship if Mary had simply gotten up after the two had made love (had sex, fooled around, laid the pipe, broken the bed, made the macaroni noises, put the car in the garage, freed willy, exchanged bodily fluids, went at it, humped, got laid, performed coitus, put the train in the tunnel, banged, screwed, knocked boots, scored, played doctor, made beautiful music together, made a baby, hit it, jumped the bone, threw it in her, had intercourse, and any other version that has not yet been inserted here), gone back home, gone to work the next day, and never given Peter a second thought after that[4]. Other singular relationships include many experiences which all pretty much fall under the category of the spontaneous thrill, or the quickie. These are the chance encounters where two individuals meet and have sex and the entire relationship is over in probably less than an hour. It must be kept in perspective that love is involved in all of these things, due simply to its own definition given at the beginning of this chapter.
Throughout this chapter, it has been stated again and again that all of these so called perversions of love are, in fact, real love and nothing less. But there is a true perversion of love, it is the only thing which crosses that line where love is no longer a part of the emotion and another feeling truly takes over. This real perversion of love is hate.
In and of itself hate is a completely separate emotion from the three original feeling and is a perfect example of the difference between the three original feelings and all other emotions. The most basic difference between the two is that the three original feelings control a person, all other emotions can be controlled (to an extent) by a person.
Amy is an eighteen years old who entertains no ideas whatsoever of ever smoking, drinking, or doing any sort of drug in any way shape of form. Amy does not buckle under peer pressure, she does not go with the crowd or care what anyone else thinks. She analyzes most everything before making a decision on it, and she does not believe that form is limited to the amount of mind altering substances running through out system. Amy is a good girl.
Donald is an eighteen year old male whose mind runs on sex, drugs, and rock and roll. His parents are divorced, he has been drinking since he was fourteen, he has been “socially smoking” since he was sixteen, he has smoked a joint or two in his day, and he thrives on the music of some crazy white boy rappers who paint their faces and rap about growing up in a “hood” that they never grew up in. In all Donald is your typical bad boy with a reputation for throwing fires onto any situation.
There is only one thing that the two really have in common, they are both intelligent. The phenomenon with intelligent people is that they can hold a serious grudge against people who cannot keep up with them in a conversation. Both Amy and Donald share this characteristic of being vindictive. For these people the question of whether the glass is half empty or half full boils down to an answer of “who cares; eventually the glass will be completely empty.” This intelligence and this attitude brings about the perfect example of the difference between of the three original feelings and a separate emotion and their respective reactions on the human mind.
Amy is currently dating Matthew (Matthew is merely a transition character and will therefore have minimal development), it is her first real relationship, through Matthew she meets Donald. As Amy’s relationship with Matthew begins to reach that point at which she is digging for overly used memories of love and each day with him is a fight (literally and figuratively), she begins to talk these problems out with Donald. Eventually she finds herself talking more and more with Donald until she is speaking to him more often than she speaks with Matthew. By this time, anytime that the couple is together they are fighting and the relationship is on its last legs. This causes the conversation between Donald and Amy to turn to how the relationship can be kept together and whether it is worth keeping it together. For several weeks Donald convinces Amy that it is worth staying with Matthew. Donald does this as a common courtesy to Matthew; it is a reflection of the fact that he puts his friendship with Matthew before the friendship with Matthew’s girlfriend. This way when Amy finally does end the relationship Donald can always say that he did everything to keep them together. It must be noted that with or without Donald, the relationship between Matthew and Amy is going to end. Donald’s presence merely adjusts the time table slightly.
Donald’s involvement, even though it is to help his friend, is a double edged sword. Upon returning home from a particularly bad evening with Matthew, Amy does not go straight home, she instead decides to go by Donald’s in hopes of advice and some relief of the stress which her relationship has now become. Amy consults Donald for advice and wisdom, and Donald counsels Amy with security and friendship. This evening Donald’s words of comfort are not enough to prevent Amy’s tears from flowing and Donald embraces Amy to provide the physical comfort which words cannot substitute for. Amy feels herself melt into Donald’s arms, and it is a sensation she has lacked for such a long time. Donald has done everything to try to keep Amy and Matthew together, but through these efforts Amy and Donald have begun to become much closer. After the embrace, when Amy once again looks into his eyes, they see each other in a slightly different light. It is, perhaps, a romantic light. It is in this classic moment where love’s infinitely tiny grasp takes its first hold for one fleeting moment. The timeless process (it must be remembered that love exists separate from time so timeless is meant very literally) of making a memory of the moment once again begins and Amy and Donald both lock an image into their mind and they immediately begin to manipulate the image in their mind and make it what they want. A day passes and neither speaks of the new memory or how it has affected them. This brewing mutates the memory into something even more affective than it used to be and in classic fashion both people deny its existence. Amy denies it simply because she is in a relationship which she is trying to work out to an end that will not include break up. Donald denies it for a similar reason; to avoid getting himself involved with a relationship that is only supposed to include Amy and Matthew. But through the course the next several days similar hugs recur again and again and the touches of love happen each time. And every time that this happens the memories reinforce themselves until they can no longer be ignored by either person. This accumulation of small memories brings about discussion between Amy and Donald about the feelings they refuse to acknowledge are affecting them.
Amy sits down in Donald’s hose and sayeth unto Donald. “In your eyes I see those things which remind me so much of those memories I had long forgotten could exist within my heart.”
Donald replieth unto her. “I see in myself your very words. My eyes swim inside your own, they bringeth me the want of flesh which my father had warned me is the kiss of death that a woman brings in her very seduction. Yet I cannot believe that such impassionate ideas hide behind eyes I can look through so deeply. And yet… And yet, I would not betray my friend for the mere pleasures of the flesh that I so often dream of.
Amy respondeth with a wave of her hand. “And I would never wantonly put you in such a position which would jeopardize your integrity and the love I still remember and hold in any memory and still hope to find again with Matthew.” Amy lifts her head and look into Donald’s eyes. “But when I look into your eyes my want finds itself growing so strong.”
“I know.” This is all Donald can say as he looks into her eyes and each catches a glimpse of love is it wedges itself between them for a fleeting moment.
The entire incident leaves Amy with a strange determination to make her relationship with Matthew last. She is of the hope that if only once more love’s touch can intervene upon the two of them the relationship will be able to work itself out. But impatiens has now taken hold of her and she wishes to have this feeling again right away. She finds herself at Matthew’s door, standing on his porch. She begs him to come with her, to escape it all for a few hours and simply rejoice once again in being together. Amy hopes that she can melt back into Matthew’s arms and feel the warmth, comfort, and security that she only seems to be finding within Donald’s arms in the last few days. She begs him to go off with her so that they can talk, she doesn’t tell him that she has wagered their entire relationship on this moment. She hides all the pressure inside herself until she feels ready to burst. This is in fact what is about to happen, Amy is about to burst wide open and how she bursts will depend on the next thing that Matthew says.
“I can’t right now, we are having dinner and my parents would be really upset.” This is Matthew’s reply to the insatiable pleas that Amy has put forward. Matthew does not know the implications of what he has just said, he is oblivious to the desperation that Amy has left hanging in the air. He promptly blows it away by closing the screen door.
Amy tries once again to appeal to whatever sense of together that Matthew still has. “Please!” She tries.
“Listen, I would but I can’t right now.” He says. “Give me a call tomorrow.”
You have no idea what you have just done; she thinks.
And so she climbs into her automobile, turns the key with deliberate delay, hoping that Matthew will realize his error and come running out to her proclaiming his love; arms outstretched, ready for her to once again fall into them with the calm placidity she seems to remember and forget all in the same moment. But as her hand reaches to shift the car from park to reverse, she begins to realize that it will not happen and she understands that this is the end of a road she never believed she would stop traveling.
Amy drives away very concerned, she was for all intents and purposes sure that he would go with her. She believed that he would once again give her that sense of love that seemed to flow from him to her so easily before. That dream has been squashed, the chance squandered, and the hope completely crushed.
Her car slowly pulls away from the driveway making her take notice of each small change as they become a cumulative difference. The crunch of the tires along the driveway disappears; she feels the tug of gravity loosen just slightly as the front of the vehicle descends from driveway to the pavement of the road. Her backwards momentum is stopped and she begins to move forward, to pull away from this old life, not knowing when it where it will all take her as she watches the last of the house fade into the oblivion of a memory, she looks away attempting to disregard. And as she leaves it all behind tears flow freely cleansing her and emancipating her from those things that she wished to leave behind and giving her new vision for the future.
Amy finds herself pulled by omnipotent forces to a comforting and familiar place. At first she drives around aimlessly searching for a sign, looking for a reason to go in any certain direction. She pulls up to a stop sign with no idea which way to continue. As she ponders this the sign spontaneously combusts and flames shoot from it, each one bursting in the same direction; all of them pointing right. Amy turns right. Time has trudged on throughout all her wanderings and meandering, and as the sun sets she looks once again for divine providence to push her in the proper direction. This time she looks to the stars for intervention and once again the supernatural provides her with a means of coaxing her mind into relaxing and accepting a sign rather than working it out on her own. Above her stars twinkle with midnight delight, dancing in an endless routine, slowly and deliberately waltzing their way through the heavens. Amy watches the dance as it careens its way through eternity searching for a reason to believe beyond her own reality once again and allow fate to take its hand and sway her motion with a flick of its wrist. “Fate”[5] politely obliges by offering her yet another sign. A star, brighter than all the rest appears in the blackened sky, beckoning her to follow, twinkling with divinity that could only be intervention from the heavens themselves telling her to follow. And so she begins to follow. She loses track as she turns from one road to another, straining to keep a bead on her heavenly target while restricted an asphalt maze. Then she can go no further, the only way that she can pursue the shining thing is the sky anymore is to turn in an all too familiar driveway. So fate has brought her to this place once again that she seems to know all too well, and into Donald’s driveway she goes.
She sits in her car, waiting for something else to happen wondering if she will now have to act on her own. The comfort of the car seat begins to develop an edge to it that takes away from its own welcoming cushion. She can feel her feet becoming antsy with each moment; playing with the pedals below them. The back of the seat grinds at her spine, touching nerves, and causing each moment to relinquish comfort for sensitivity. The steering wheel gets in the way; becomes an obstacle, a hindrance, a look to a safe to which she does not know the combination. Amy watches everything from inside the safe, contemplating it all, attempting to ascertain her purpose for being here. But now there are no symbols, there is nothing to help her, fate has delivered her to this place, from here on it is her decision.
And then she finds herself in the situation she knew she longed for, with a hope and a wonderment that allows her the comfort of finding herself surprised to be in the place she knew she would end up. She stairs at the front door perplexed, virtually paralyzed, the instinct to knock lifts her hand and her knuckles strike the wood. The door watches her wait, watches as her nerves twitch and her body contemplate turning and leaving. Before she can consider such action Amy hears the soft crash of the hinges as they give way to the pulling of the door. At first there is nothing but a shadowy figure lurking in the doorway, unidentifiable, but as light begins to pass over flesh Donald’s feature are revealed. They show him to be somewhat confused, there is a happiness and a recognition in his face that tells Amy that her presence, though unexpected, is very welcome. Donald invites her in and together they awkwardly saunter into the home, Donald wondering what is wrong and Amy wondering what to say and how to explain any of it, first to herself, then to him.
Donald sits her down and looks directly into her eyes. His hands gently touch her shoulders, trying to prepare them both for what she might say. “Now, what is wrong?” He asks.
Amy’s eyes become moistened with a tear each, she looks at Donald and she cannot focus properly, everything that she wants to say is swallowed in those tears and she cannot focus her thoughts. She takes a breath just for a moment and blinks back the tears trying to get the whole story to come out, but in the end all she can say is. “Something told me to come here.” She cannot explain the rest right now, she needs to be cleansed and held first. The tears that she was holding back will no longer be denied and they begin to flow freely.
Donald, still very much in the dark, holds her.
Amy feels the arms wrap around her, and the warm body enfold her. She feels a touch of something oxymoronic; something so familiar that she just cannot remember and that she will do nothing but remember. Love has once again touched down. It taps at Amy’s shoulder, forever locking away that memory in her mind. And as it passes by Donald, it whispers in his ear, cementing the moment in his thoughts. Of course as soon as love no longer has control of the moment it is just remembered and inside each head it is already being manipulated.
Amy’s mind is clearer, her thoughts no longer swim loosely in her head. She breaks the hug and looks at Donald. Very seriously, perhaps even cold and methodically, she tells him that she is going to end it with Matthew. She tries to explain the circumstances which brought her to this conclusion. “I really thought that things would get nothing but better from here on in.” She covers her eyes for a moment trying to see the picture in her mind ever clearer. “I thought that I could make him understand how confused I was, how close to the end I felt. But I just couldn’t seem to make him understand.”
Donald, being very decently confused already attempts to get a story from Amy that he can understand better. “Okay first tell me exactly what happened tonight.” In doing this Donald has side stepped becoming a part of the mathematical equations which help to govern love, jealousy, and greed. By making Amy recount her own actions he will have started any equations to working inside her mind, and so most advice that he will offer towards these equations will go unheeded in the mathematical plain that a portion of Amy’s brain runs along now. Donald has very unknowingly done a wonderful thing for Amy.
As Amy begins to recount the events that led her to this decision, it comes straight from her brain, that is to say the filter between her brain and her mouth has been removed[6] and so she tells the story exactly as her mind perceives it. The importance of this is that the story is recounted exactly as Amy sees it in her head, without her taking the time to think and be sure that it is what happened and not simply how she perceived it as happening. She even begins to recount the tale in a foreshadowing of this insight. “Okay here’s what happened. Earlier today we had one of our typical fights, you know, it was basically over nothing and we screamed and yelled at each other about it until it became a huge deal. Then we each started talking about giving each other back the symbols of love we have given each other throughout the relationship. Then we both ended up crying about it and apologizing afterwards. After that we were pretty much fine the rest of the day and it was completely over with by the time I left. But it was strange because when I got home all I could think about was how we used to be as compared to how we are now and it just made me sad that there was probably only one or two times in the last three weeks that we haven’t had one of those fights. I just hated to think that was where my life was headed, I mean when we first started dating things seemed so wonderful, but now all we do is fight, and it seems like everything is all right in the end but then I realized how much it has been happening. But I figured that if I saw this then I could make him see it and things would be good again, because if we just had one night alone together we would both remember how great it use to be and it would be that way again.
“So I got to his house and I knocked on the door; and he wouldn’t even come all the way outside to talk to me. He just stood there with the screen door separating us giving me every lame excuse in the world as to why he couldn’t go. I was practically on my knees begging him to come with me. I did everything but flat out tell him that I thought this was our last chance to stay together. The whole time he just stood there looking annoyed and all he could say was that he couldn’t because he was having dinner with the family and that they would get mad if he just left. I begged him to come with me and he just didn’t understand how desperate I was to make it all work. So when he made it plainly obvious that he wasn’t going to come with me no matter what I said I decided that this was it. I just don’t want to be in a relationship where we are yelling at each other two hours out of each time that we see each other. And I don’t mean just an argument, I mean yelling and screaming and almost breaking up every time we see each other.
“After all this I pulled out of the driveway and I didn’t know what to do, or where to go, and something just led me here.” At this point Amy figures that she sounds excited and crazy enough without telling Donald that a burning arrow in a stop sign (or rather a burning sign in the shape of an arrow) and a star that seemed brighter than the rest were what led her here; it is satisfactory to say that “something” led her here. “And so here I am to let you know that I am going to break up with Matthew; and hope that I get a little sympathy and understanding out of you.” Her words die out in tears and her head collapses into his shoulder as she feels his arms wrap around her to let her cry.
Thoughts run through Donald’s head as he hears the words, I am going to break up with Matthew. Amy watches in breathless anticipation as his eyes begin to reveal the ideas traveling through his mind. They are far too simple for the response she gets. With her thoughts worried and jumbled; she wonders that perhaps she will hear certain thoughts which she thinks she could prepare for if she were to think it through first. And so her mind races to come up with each scenario in a continuing stream of obtrusive invitations telling to stay away in the most wonderful, homely tones. She can picture him looking away for a moment, and when he turns back there is the unmistakable look wanton in his face. As though all things are clear to him and he projects the love swelling in him upon her. She feels as though me may look at her with sorrow and grief that slowly turns to anger for the hurt she has caused his friend. She think he may shout at her and disown her for the inconsiderate idolatry which she has taken upon herself to bestow on this man for whom he cares so deeply and for whom he would never with harm upon in any situation especially this the worst situation. Then her mind buckles with the idea of an incredible caring her in his eyes. She can imagine sympathy swelling across his slightly dilated pupils. She feels herself becoming enwrapped within his arms, and anticipates the exploding sting as his hand marks her face in defiance and broken trust. She anticipates a stern look of indifference as he expresses his complete lack of interest in the situation, attempting (not so vainly) vainly to keep his friendship in tact between both parties simply by eliminating his own involvement in the situation with an air of repose. This thought initiates greed to impose for its eternal moment. As greed disappears (in the same moment that it arrived) and her memory instantly begins manipulating it, Amy’s thoughts run through this last as a worst case in which the attention would not be focused on her, causing resentment to rise within her. Her mind runs through each wave of though, analyzing it, then surmising valid responses which it cleverly hides from itself keeping Amy completely unaware that it has done the work so as not to overload her with all the options at once and causing temporary to permanent breakdown. Her mind waits in anticipation of what will happen. Amy waits in anticipation of what will happen.
What does happen sends Amy’s mind racing to shut down temporary systems to avoid permanent shutdown status throughout her system. Donald turns to her with a friendly, somewhat distraught demeanor, and tells her that he doesn’t really think she should do it. He says it with sympathy and a sort of defeated attitude that tells her he understands, and yet, he it torn and somewhat disappointed with the entire inevitable conclusion, all in a complacent evenness. It is a response far too simple for the complex expectations she had expected to achieve. In the initial attempt to compromise, her conscience races the response demanding to see something behind it. There is nothing. And in the following panic, precursors fall to a feeling of beniety and meltdown is avoided.
Amy looks up in solemn confusion to ask Donald why. “Why?” She asks.
In the same comforting defeatist tone Donald tell her. “I don’t know, because you guys are good together, and Matthew’s my friend.”
Amy is hoping for more, but no more comes. “That’s it?”
“I guess so.”
Not knowing what else to do she lets herself fall into his arms once again. She lets the entire thing melt away for a moment as love touches her and is locked away in her memory. Then the entire situation rushes back to her in a bolstering avalanche of confusion and she lets herself cry. In the end the tears bring some wonderful release and her thoughts run clearly again. She pushes back feeling the confidence in her decision come back. “I have to do this. I gave him every chance possible back there and he just didn’t get it. I can’t be in a relationship where we yell and fight every time we see each other.”
With another overly simply response Donald says. “I understand.”
Amy looks into his eyes and she knows that the attraction between them is understood. “And then there’s that.” She says as she looks away, trying to avoid the temptation to reach out and kiss him.
With knowing idleness he responds. “I know.”
Amy collects herself a bit. “Okay, I have to go home and deal with this.”
“What are you going to say to him?” Donald’s face is a tapestry of hidden emotion. A hundred things flash through his mind and his eyes dance with them while his face remains stoic. Behind the poker face an explosion is contained; Donald is able to swallow the words of heat and passion that threaten to poor out his lips. His own selfishness wants her to leave Matthew and give in to the touches of love that he sees in her, for the smallest of moments he almost has a grip on his own love. It comes to him as a reflection of what he sees in Amy, but it is fleeting and he holds it just long enough to have the idea that he could love her. And then the images all dance away in a rush of concern for how she will handle the situation at hand, and a worry to give her too much to think about.
Amy sees none of this, her mind is suddenly filled with the emotional stress of what lies ahead. “I’m not really sure what I’m going to say, but I know that it’s over between us. I mean, he couldn’t even take enough time out to see that I was trying to tell him this was his last chance.” She heaves a deep sigh. “I’ll let you know tomorrow how it went.”
“All right, well you can call me tonight if you need to.”
“Thanks.”
They hug again on the way out. Love touches them again.
At home Amy calls Matthew and tells him that they are breaking up. In the next few weeks a war of words and gossip will dominate both of their lives. This is essential to love’s elusive nature. The touches of love that Amy and Matthew shared are lodged in their memories, now eating away at them must not be allowed to rekindle. Love refuses to be recognized and so it sabotages its own offering. This then leads to a cleansing of those memories. Memories that have stayed in such a positive life for so long are bombarded with negatives, helping to neutralize this effect. In this way both parties can say: “We weren’t in love.” Followed by some brief explanation involving one of love’s perverted cousins. Love creates cruel sadism.
“I can’t take it anymore. Let’s get this over with.” She says, and immediately leans in to kiss Donald. The illusion of love’s grasp is very convincing.
Donald and Amy’s relationship begins with this kiss. In the following months they explore each other, testing love’s touch whenever they are together. Eventually with their memories so strong, they declare their love for each other. There is an honesty in their declarations that challenges the very fabric of love’s very existence. But love is clever in its survival and doesn’t let this slip bother it because it understands that its recognition will, in all likelihood, be thrown aside later and transformed into one of its unrecognizable selves. So like some defied ruler it reveals itself only to be worshipped and only for long enough so that rumors of its greatness can spread through a mind quickly, playing a game of telephone the entire way, until at the end, it is an image that walks on water with an holy ora surrounding it.
And now it is the same with Amy and Donald. Love posses them for an instant[7] causing a strange and lasting change that allows both of them to recognize the divine touch they have received. Their first clue is communicating in tongues to one another. They do not use the language they are familiar with or the words they know; now they speak in strange coos and grunts, and a touch here or there is understood as if they had clearly spoken to each other. They dance in this way for those many months, using each action to reinforce their belief. Then at some point their faith in love’s existence brings them to a precipice where they must either jump off or step away from love’s guiding hand. When Amy and Donald reach this point, they jump.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”[8]
The declaration begs for love’s attention, prods at it, seeking its touch, hoping for it to heal all things. But love will refuse to remain caught up in this game and allows the two only a brush of its majesty. Then it is gone, leaving only a cruel trick behind it. Who said it first? Love switches and reswithces the answer leaving nothing but doubt. There is a method to the but of madness; in this way love is called by both and summoned by neither and faith in its existence may come and go as easily. So love leaves them to deal with this, and its only perverted cousin watches from the bushes knowing it only need wait for the right opportunity to strike.
Amy and Donald’s relationship continues and love’s perverted cousin slithers beneath them, ever vigilant for its chance.
In the beginning of the human god’s existence love did its job just as it always would and always did. The human gods, having no way to rule over love, because of its existence prior to their own, came up with an alternative solution to such a problem. They created love’s perverted cousin, who was not so strong as love, but who was more cunning, and who the human gods could contain inside themselves as a method of controlling the tricks that the very nature of love caused it to have. It was a place inside each of them that was allowed to roam free until it recognized its greater cousin’s pull, then it would linger close and enter its place, going about its work.
Donald and Amy are possessed by their faith in love. So much so that they begin to feel that love’s power has entwined them to each other. No longer are they meaningless specs drifting aimlessly, not they have come together and love’s power has allowed them to be a total that is greater than the sum of its parts. Donald and Amy move in together, creating a great house in love’s name. And quietly, casually, love’s perverted cousin creates its own patient nook and waits for its time of need to arise.
Time rolls on and Amy and Donald begin to feel love’s natural course setting in. Little things that did not bother them before begin to surface as “changes that need to be made.” It becomes harder and yet harder again to feel love’s alluring touch. They fight over things that degrade love’s house. But they are persistent and they rebuild their faith in love, and manages to catch some new grasps of love that help to replace the old ones decaying in the bowels of their memory. Love’s perverted cousin does not get anxious, it was created as a patient place able to wait out all but the greatest of love’s faithfulness.
Throughout this period Donald’s faith being tested. He is sent to a desert, where the sand is women vying for his attention, each inescapably noticeable. Forty days and nights he wander, each footstep more tempting than the last, each begging him to stay, enticing him not to go home. He finally makes it back home, but he has been burnt by the sand, and there, standing in the house of love, the pain is searing. He tries to contain it, attempting to amend his sin. But the cover peels away and one night he is left naked, his marks exposed for all to see. He is shamed and he can no longer remain in love’s house. He is no longer a part of the union he and Amy created together. He stands in front of her this way; apart from her. He doesn’t know how to tell her, the tongues with which he communicated so easily before are unintelligible.
“Amy, I’m sorry, I still care about you, but I don’t love you anymore.”
The words ring in her head. They are spikes, driven into her, silently her scream goes out, her heart shatters.
He turns away from her. The house of love whispering its disgrace, urging him to walk away and never look back; assuring him that should he ever look back he will be consumed by salt-saturated tears.
And Amy is alone as the door shuts, her pain gushes forth, not with blood but with water; strong and cleansing. The dark corners of love’s house seem to expand. Love’s perverted cousin knows that its wait is almost over; through the growing darkness it may travel, unheeded by the purity of its cousin. It drifts silently, preparing to do its work. Drifting silently in the darkness, it edges closer, the instinctual nature instilled by Amy’s once immortal ancestors drives it toward its work. Amy, in her purity, asks why it must be this way, why must she suffer so. There is no answer from above, there is only silence, and she cries. This is the signal that love’s perverted cousin waits for so patiently. Amy’s battle with love, in love house, has left her fatigued and she can no longer fight on her own: love’s echo has rung in her heart for so long, and its fading leaves her abandoned. She becomes a lost child and true to that which women and babies to more, she sits down and cries.
An odd thing happens as love’s perverted cousin nestles close to Amy’s soul, prepared to go about its comforting business of substituting for its greater kin. It attempts to coddle Amy, according to its programming, giving her the opportunity to collect its warmth and feed off its strength. But the human gods created it so closely in love’s own image that Amy feels the true touch for more than an infinitely fleeting moment and is unable to comprehend how she could hold onto something that she should instead be allowed to manipulate it in memory to what she wishes it to be. Love’s perverted cousin is designed to cling however and its touch is supposed to be that of a firm, supporting hand upon her shoulder. It was created to be her strength in this time of depravity and sorrow. If Amy could look down the path of her life she would see that she was never alone. She would see the footprints of love’s perverted cousin stealthily gliding next to her own. And in another day she would see only those gliding prints. She may wonder where she has gone, why she has left her companion behind? But the truth is that love’s perverted cousin is holding her up in these days, letting her be weak when she most needs it; allowing her to preserve her strength for times when it will be needed the most. In the darkening shadows love’s perverted cousin crawls onto Amy’s shoulder and settles itself for the initial support that it will lend.
During the dark time of the human god, before the first high noon, when the bumping was frequent and happiness was plentiful, love still conquered their world. They had no force to counter its awesome power, and nothing to ease the pain of its decaying memory. But the human gods had the power to help themselves in this. They would later use this ability to create water, mountains, spiders, the moon, and many other such nonsenses. At this point when love ate away at them and greed showed them the power that love had (and used its own wonderment to hide itself so the human gods could not understand the power it had) they determined to snub its powers. Being as all powerful as they were, they declared that an emotion would be created from the true emotion (this is the way they referred to love). They defined it as an opposite to the true emotion; a counterbalance that would appear in their time of need, when the true emotion had abandoned them. They declared that it would be a sanctuary where the human gods could hide from the pain they felt; a place where they could be isolated from the true emotion. In that moment randomness heard these words and created the city of Jerusalem. And the human gods created the Hallowed Acropolis from True Emotion. The human gods did not create the name, the name appeared once their specifications had been met. Just like their modern day counterparts the human gods were a lazy bunch, perhaps the largest bunch in all of time (seriously you have no idea how long they were wandering around bumping into each other). So after only the first time of using its name the human god who had used it was certain that there must be a better name for it. Unfortunately randomness reared its ugly head again and refused to let the name be changed because it fit the new town it had created so well. He would have to be acrobatic in mind to come up with a new name. So through acrobatics there came a new name, an acrobatic name, an acronym, that name was HATE.
And so HATE (which became hate), with its wild origin, sits on Amy’s shoulder. In a day or so it will wiggle its way down into her heart and dive between the cracks into the valley where it will go about its business of mending the canyon that has lodged itself between the broken halves of Amy’s heart. Hate will feed an incalculable anger in Amy and will allow her to sever all ties with Donald. In this way she will be able to move on, to meet new people, and eventually, to feel love’s touch yet again. But such things take time, and for now Amy can only wallow in hate’s warm embrace, where she will gather her strength for another day.
This is how we define love’s only true perverted cousin. Hate is on such a close parallel with love, creating a thin line that can only be jumped from the one to the other. There cannot be true hate without love, and the more memories of love’s touch that decay without the benefit of renewal, the greater the hate that a person may fill their heart with. In time, with newer touches of love, the hate will recede and hide itself away for another day. Of course, hate is only needed at the end of so long a relationship as can stew such memories like so much stone soup. But with all these safeguards for failure the question must be asked: does the long term relationship ever succeed, and if so, what is the secret to the success of an endeavor that will renew love’s touch over the course of a lifetime? There is, of course, no good answer. There are many factors that contribute to the life long relationship. But they are complete unknowns, they require an unfathomable love that only those who have achieved it can understand. Perhaps the only thing that is known about such an astounding complex manner is that it must be mutual between both people. This would suggest that love would then have to touch both people at the same time and induce a sense of shared memory that each party can feel mutually responsible for. This is love’s all encompassing power created by its twisted, uncompromising, self-zeroed nature.


[1] Here is the first place where ugly words such as passion begin to emerge: they will be discussed in more detail later.
[2] “A dating relationship ends in only two way: break up or marriage.” From the infinite wisdom of William R.
[3] Remember, there are only three original feelings, and so a true perversion of love will not follow the same rules exactly, though its resemblance will be uncanny.
[4] This is simply an idea of course, she would always remember him, she just wouldn’t bother to contact him.
[5] It should be noted that fate in its simplest context is simply coincidence contrived by a mind to be too coincidental to be a coincidence and is coincidentally classified as “divine intervention” or “fate” because to call something so coincidental a mere coincidence would be to ruin the fabric of the permanent state of suspended disbelief which so many allow themselves to exist in.
[6] Note: there are people who simply have no filter between their brain and their mouth.
[7] It could be argued that love never posses but even though love’s nature is to only hint, love’s infinite, almost curves allow it to stray whenever the need arises, so long as it only strays infinitely close to its original path.
[8] Apologies from the author for changing the original line.

posted by David Fuchs (Greg Goble) @ 9:39 AM